THE PORTAL TO HELL

The Portal to Hell is in my refrigerator and Bob wants me to clean it out.   Not happening!   In fact,  I am packing up the dogs and moving to a hotel until an exorcism can be performed.   I don’t want some half way exorcism either.   I want the full monty.   I want that smoke stuff they wave around,  the psychic “little person”, from Poltergeist,  and three priests.  Not two because we all know how “that” worked out on, “The Exorcist”.

noway

I know what you all are thinking.   You think I just don’t want to clean the frig so I can spend my time playing video games and eating the chocolate bars Bob has hidden behind the canned beans in the pantry.   But how would I even know there “are” chocolate bars in the pantry,   They’re hidden.   DOH!

This is serious people.   Ugly things are happening behind those stainless steel doors.   One thing goes in…and something totally nasty comes out.   I have proof.   Look what it did to the celery.   A vegetable that never bothers anybody I might add.

I dunno1

If it does this to an innocent stalk of celery what chance do “I” have?   I can’t believe how willing Bob is to put me in jeopardy.   Clean out the refrigerator!   Is he nuts?    It’s chaos in there.  Tupperware is swelling,  green wieners are threatening the cheese and cooked cabbage products have begun to whistle the theme to, “Halloween”.   OH,  also…  remember that stuffing I made for Thanksgiving that went missing for like…five months?   It came back!   Only, it’s alive now.

Clean out the frig?   Not bloody likely!

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Stop Complaining and Chew the Gravy. That’s why God Gave You Teeth!

I cooked a meal last Friday.   I wasn’t sure what it turned out to be so I didn’t serve it until yesterday.    It looked ghastly but there were vegetables in it so it was healthy.   Still…to be honest I was afraid to put it in my mouth.   I wanted a pizza sooooo bad!   But Bob was all, “We can’t throw away a whole pan of food!”

Yeah, that’s what he said till he saw it.   “What is this?   It looks like beef stew with …dumplings?”

“What?   No.   Let me see….those aren’t dumplings.  That’s gravy!”

“Gravy with two inch lumps in it?”

“And vegetables.  It’s healthy.”

“It looks awful,” he mumbled, frowning.

This was taking for-freaking-EVER!   “Bob!   Just dip up some of that shit and eat it will ya?”   As he began ladling what ever it was into his bowl I began to feel a twinge of pity.   “Don’t take too much till you taste it,” I cautioned.

“Thanks for the advice, Betty Crocker.”

“Well you don’t have to be all pissy about it.   Taste it.”

“You taste it.”

“No you taste it first.”

He tasted it.   “It’s not too bad if you add salt and don’t look at it.”

Tonight we’re having pizza.