ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

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The following events are true.   Or not.

It all started when I woke up in a too quiet hospital that smelled like fried liver and old sneakers.  No idea why I was there, couldn’t remember a thing,  but I was hungry and I had to pee.  So I pressed the button to call the nurse.   You’d think there would be some get well gifts in the room since I am a really popular person but the only thing in there with me was a vase of dried up, dead flowers.   Maybe they’d recently moved me to someone else’s room and hadn’t transferred all my gifts over yet?

Fifteen minutes passed and the nurse still hadn’t responded to my call-light.   I knew the hospital staff was right outside the door because I could hear them moaning about how hard they worked.   Well, I assumed that’s what it was about.   This is the trouble with the world today, nobody enunciates anymore.

“HELLO?   HELL-OOOOOO?    WHAT’S TAKING SO LONG?   SERIOUSLY!   YOU GUYS MOVE LIKE DEAD PEOPLE!   C’MON!”

You’ve heard that old saying, “If you want something done, get outa the bed and do it yourself”?   Obviously it was a situation like this that gave birth to that expression.   As luck would have it the second I stood up and headed for the bathroom the nurse shuffled in.

“Whoa!   OH! I’m so sorry did I say that out loud? It wasn’t because of your…um…skin problem.   Really, I hardly noticed it. You just startled me, that’s all.   Hey your skin cream is dripping off your chin right there.”   I pointed helpfully.

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I guess my apology wasn’t accepted because nurse drippy face shuffled over and started poking and clawing at me.

“Stop that!”   I used my authoritative voice.  It always works on my dogs.  But she kept pulling at me until she tore my hospital gown

“I’m not kidding!   You better stop or you’ll be sorry!”

She lunged again!  “I’ll hit you back.   I will,”  I squeaked.

Then suddenly,  Miss Congeniality tries to take a bite outa’ my neck!   “Oh no you did NOT just do that!”   She had gone too far.   I gave her a good smack on the arm. “How do you like it?”

Note to self: Never annoy someone with a bad skin condition because they will NOT let that shit go.    She kept grabbing at me and I kept slapping her hand away.   It must have gone on for five minutes before I finally thumped her in the head with my IV pole.

I’ve been on the road for a month now.   It was two weeks before I found out the mass majority of humanity wasn’t suffering from severe acne.   Which, in my opinion is way more logical than a Zombie Apocalypse.   But that’s just me.

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My new friend, Darryl, is teaching me how to catch squirrels for dinner.   It’s sweet of him but kind of dumb too because all the houses are like… totally vacant.   Most of the pantries are stocked.   Zombies don’t care for regular food. They prefer people, or animals. (I wish they ate mosquitos but whatever)  As far as I can tell Darryl and I are the proud owners of a kazillion boxes of cereal.   Cereal is much easier to eat, and way less hairy than Squirrels.     We even found a cow for milk!   But the damnable Zombies ate her while we were out ….you guessed it…hunting for more squirrels.   Eventually Darryl and I will have to have a sit down.

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Ok, I gotta scoot.   Darryl has a bee in his bonnet.  Keeps hollerin’ something about a horde of zombies moving in.   He can be a bit of a drama queen sometimes.   Once…when we were under attack…he was all like….”Look where you’re shooting, dumbass!”   I mean, seriously, is the end of the world any excuse for bad manners?

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THE PORTAL TO HELL

The Portal to Hell is in my refrigerator and Bob wants me to clean it out.   Not happening!   In fact,  I am packing up the dogs and moving to a hotel until an exorcism can be performed.   I don’t want some half way exorcism either.   I want the full monty.   I want that smoke stuff they wave around,  the psychic “little person”, from Poltergeist,  and three priests.  Not two because we all know how “that” worked out on, “The Exorcist”.

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I know what you all are thinking.   You think I just don’t want to clean the frig so I can spend my time playing video games and eating the chocolate bars Bob has hidden behind the canned beans in the pantry.   But how would I even know there “are” chocolate bars in the pantry,   They’re hidden.   DOH!

This is serious people.   Ugly things are happening behind those stainless steel doors.   One thing goes in…and something totally nasty comes out.   I have proof.   Look what it did to the celery.   A vegetable that never bothers anybody I might add.

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If it does this to an innocent stalk of celery what chance do “I” have?   I can’t believe how willing Bob is to put me in jeopardy.   Clean out the refrigerator!   Is he nuts?    It’s chaos in there.  Tupperware is swelling,  green wieners are threatening the cheese and cooked cabbage products have begun to whistle the theme to, “Halloween”.   OH,  also…  remember that stuffing I made for Thanksgiving that went missing for like…five months?   It came back!   Only, it’s alive now.

Clean out the frig?   Not bloody likely!

Stop Complaining and Chew the Gravy. That’s why God Gave You Teeth!

I cooked a meal last Friday.   I wasn’t sure what it turned out to be so I didn’t serve it until yesterday.    It looked ghastly but there were vegetables in it so it was healthy.   Still…to be honest I was afraid to put it in my mouth.   I wanted a pizza sooooo bad!   But Bob was all, “We can’t throw away a whole pan of food!”

Yeah, that’s what he said till he saw it.   “What is this?   It looks like beef stew with …dumplings?”

“What?   No.   Let me see….those aren’t dumplings.  That’s gravy!”

“Gravy with two inch lumps in it?”

“And vegetables.  It’s healthy.”

“It looks awful,” he mumbled, frowning.

This was taking for-freaking-EVER!   “Bob!   Just dip up some of that shit and eat it will ya?”   As he began ladling what ever it was into his bowl I began to feel a twinge of pity.   “Don’t take too much till you taste it,” I cautioned.

“Thanks for the advice, Betty Crocker.”

“Well you don’t have to be all pissy about it.   Taste it.”

“You taste it.”

“No you taste it first.”

He tasted it.   “It’s not too bad if you add salt and don’t look at it.”

Tonight we’re having pizza.